Friday, January 28, 2011

Profile: Your Ex-Girlfriends*

Judged you. Made a mess in your kitchen. Owned more stuff than you. Expected things. Preferred you not be that way. Believed differently. Took issue. Creative in finding ways to make normal situations unreasonable. Ate very little. Spatially challenged. Cryptic. Felt ways about things. Unbearable. Sometimes careless. Solicitous. Employed. Confusingly banal. Sentimental about shit. Drove weird. Winsome in public. Quasi-political. Predictable then totally not predictable. Hormonally typical. Asymmetrically opinionated. Simultaneously quiet and mouthy. Spiritually materialistic. Contradictory. Sweet, then callous, then distant. Cried.

Diagnosis: Best and Worst Thing You Ever Had in Your Life

*Sofia has generously agreed to compose a riposte, lest ye get all prematurely hatey...

13 comments:

  1. I forgot to add "Slightly disheveled"....

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  2. In anticipation of the editor's response, some things come to mind:

    Eats more than his share. Fails at gifting. Leaves sweaty socks and bottle caps in places. Backs out on plans when you are already dressed. Never wanted to go in the first place, but never said anything. Chronic joblessness paired with child-like ambition. Predictable. Overly dramatic, or else markedly uninteresting. Tragically reliant on you. Resentful. “Loves” to cook but always wants to eat out/in. Drives aggressively. Lies about “not seeing that you called.” Nothing is wrong with his phone. Did not remember to do that errand. Doesn’t seem to care. Pretends to listen, poorly. Refuses to exercise good judgment. Can’t take criticism. Visibly fuming. Doesn’t tell you anything anymore. Is always wrong.

    Diagnosis: The unhealthiest thing you often wish you still suffered.

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  3. Oh, I really should have been more vague with mine too! This is fun, isn't it? Trying to figure out if it's you he's talking about... It's not me because I eat like a fucking pig but still manage to maintain my weight at 125. It's a good thing that only a few of my exes even know that this site even exists.

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  4. Not me. I've never dated anyone who knows about this site, as far as I know. Yet I thought it wise to post anonymously, to protect the pride and reputation of my facebook-peeping exes. Why? Does this sound like someone you know?

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  5. If I can't take criticism, why am I laughing? Ponder THAT, Anonymous! And I miss you too.

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  6. Actually, it sounds like every guy I've dated in the past three years.

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  7. *every guy I've dated in the past three years... except the one who is following this blog.

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  8. seriously. Anonymous crafted this with two non-Jackles as the targets. I'm not surprised that it resonates, though...

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  9. Fair enough, Firecracker...guess I outed myself.

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  10. This IS fun, though. Now that comcast disconnected my illegal cable and my refrigerator ran out of beer, it is fast becoming my preferred form of entertainment/procrastination. Since you are "approving" every post anyway, let me know if you are in need of guest contributors. I might know someone.

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  11. Submit all materials to: profilesinbatshit@gmail.com. We LOVE the batshit, and we just LOVE contributions because we LOVE you all.

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  12. now that's just crazy

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