Profile: Jack Swindle, Ladies' Man

This is from an old, pre-diagnosis dating profile I put up on some site somewhere. Strange how accurate it all was; equally strange is that I never got a response from anyone. Huh.--JS

I drink too much. I have high blood pressure, probably from drinking too much. Sometimes I talk so much I annoy myself. I’m terrible with money, and I have anger problems that I think are finally resolved but only through a precarious balance of prescription drugs, an attractive therapist and a campaign of aggressive honesty against my own BS.

Meeting women is not a problem I have. The reason I’m here is that my last few girlfriends have been smart, interesting women who don’t know sh*t about literature, science or history. So, if that describes you, you can still message me but you should be exceptionally attractive.

If you’re still with me, let me tell you the good stuff: I’m Hilarious (capital H intended), extremely witty, very well read and culturally ambitious. And even though I probably come off like a complete prick here, I’m actually a respectful person who will listen to your Russian novel-esque tales of family intrigue with sincere interest. I have an insane amount of energy, a natural tendency to organize people and things around me, and a genuine appetite for life and people.

Oh and you should know: sex is important to me. You should be an open-mouthed kisser and a sensualist at heart; otherwise we’ll just be good friends who drink together, which is fine in its own right.